A year away…

It’s incredible what time does to us or for us.  I’m only dating back to 9 short months ago.  I’ve experienced so much.  Processed incredible amounts of repressed grief, discovered myself through “thorough” belief system scrutiny, quit a job, and started another.  I’ve lost family, friends, and patience.   Accomplished goals and traveled almost across Canada.   

The whole year was more than I could have ever hoped for.  I’ll start in April.   It was the most significant time.  April 2nd (my halfie birthday) was the day I came out to my husband.   It was terrifying and I expected the worst reaction from him.  I recieved acceptance…and if I’m being honest he was hopeful.   

I wanted the space to explore this honesty that was within me.  To know what it means to me and what I really wanted to see come out if this self expression.  Almost immediately I began sleeping apart from him.  Spending late night exploring this desire and keeping my space- from everyone.

All too often I understand what I don’t want before I know what I do want.  I wanted a partner.   Someone who probed my intelligence looking to understand my depths.  Someone with kind adoration in their heart for me.  Someone who was interested in becoming synchronized with me.  Looking to crush some goals and begin new journeys.  I wanted a mate.  Someone of the same sex who could keep up with and delight in my irrational nature.  Always ready to run as soon as it was mentioned.   

In truth.  I wanted myself.  I wanted to reflect the joy that is hidden in my heart.  I needed to know it was still there.

You see a decade with the same person can become monotonous.  The same shades of grey every morning, same routines, same unhealthy cycles.  Often feeling alone, uninteresting, unintelligent, silly, and meek for not realizing more advebture in this life.  I wanted more but was so scared.  I believed the person I was raised to be was the only acceptable character for me to play.  The overachiever, the attention seeker, the disbeliever, and the “party leaver” was who I was to be forever.  Ugh!  It feels like a jail sentence now!

Thank god I allowed myself the space to awaken this.  To awaken newness and fiestiness within myself.   

It was easy to discover what I didn’t want… but what DID I want??!!?! 

It was companionship and support.   I withheld it for so long out of fear.  I’ve been hurt and I’ve hung on to that pain for such a long time.  SO HARD to let go of the belief that I deserved it, it was my own karma, that I was bound to a life of hurting others because I had been hurt…..it’s not the truth but I believed it.  I allowed that thought to eat away at my psyche.  I told many people I’m scared of what I may do…. I see now there was no need for that.  Yes I’ve been angry.  But it’s not a problem.   It’s a symptom that is being cared for, acknowledged, expressed, and released.  It’s was a symptom of a greater problem …one that taught me I was less than, that I caused pain, that I asked for it.  A greater problem that taught me not to speak out about it.  Not to be seen or heard but to allow violations and turn my attention away.

That no longer has space in my life but admittedly it took FOREVER to dissolve it.  Some days I felt crazy – others intensely angry as I bounced from those two extremes.

My sexuallity was never really in question here.  Finding my safe zone was so important.  I thought it was with another woman.  Someone soft and gentle.   But it was truly in being with me.  Becoming my own friend.  Deciding for myself, by myself, standing on my own two feet and finding some deep soulful girl-friends along the way.

When we connect with other women healing happens.

in health and wellness
Amanda Zentner

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